We all make mistakes. We all fail to follow through with things.

When that happens, how do you talk to yourself?

“I’m just not the kind of person who can follow through with things...”  

“That’s not for me” 

“It doesn’t matter how many times I tell myself I’m going to do something, eventually I give up.”

“Why bother? I’m probably going to fail anyway.”

“Everyone else seems to be able to stick to their goals. I guess I don’t have any self-discipline”

Too often these are the kinds of declarations and judgments we make about ourselves when we feel discouraged.  Maybe you’ve tried to start new habits, committed to a new year’s resolution or a new goal, but then been unable to follow through after a period of time. These self-statements start to feel increasingly more believable. 

A Little Can Go A Long Way - The Harmful Nature of Negative Fixed Self Talk

While it might seem relatively harmless to say these things to yourself, I’m afraid that’s not the case.

See, when you repeat these statements to yourself, it negatively impacts your confidence and belief in yourself. A little can go a long way and soon, these negative beliefs can hinder your ability to try again or start new things.

Negative self-talk is also often fixed which means it doesn’t leave a lot of room for getting back up, re-thinking, and trying again. We make one mistake and we’re quick to make a one-size-fits-all judgment about who we are as a person.

Here are some other harmful impacts negative self-talk can have on us and our relationships:

Potential Harmful Effects of Negative Self Talk:

• Decrease in self-esteem, confidence

• Increase in feelings of shame

• Decrease in optimism about self and potential opportunities

• Limited view of abilities 

• Verbal criticism towards self and others

• Unrealistic expectations of self and others 

Watch What You Say! 

Would you say these kinds of things to a loved one? To a close friend or a child?

Then why is it so easy for us to be so hard on ourselves? 

I often hear people describe themselves as their “worst own critic.” I’ve certainly been there.

For example, when I set out to complete a task list, sometimes I struggle to set realistic expectations for how long it’ll take or how much mental and physical energy I have to carry out tasks. Then, when I find things are left undone, I judge myself as “lazy” or “unproductive.” 

However, if a friend were to describe the same situation, I’d most likely point out the various factors that could well have contributed to their inability to finish such a long list of things, I’d encourage them to go easy on themselves, and to re-think their list. I’d challenge them to take some items off the list, ask for help, offer them a helping hand, or tell them, it certainly has little to do with them as a person. 

Do you see how differently my friend will probably feel compared to how I feel when I talk to myself? 

Turn Self Criticism into Self Compassion

You can approach your perceived failures or setbacks differently so you can see more long-term benefits. Why don’t you change your harsh, fixed, and negative statements into something more motivating, constructive, growth-oriented? These will build you back up and move you closer to your goals. 

Definition of “Self Compassion” (Kristin Neff)

• Self Acceptance: Being kind to yourself, extending the kindness and understanding you would to a friend or loved one to yourself

• Common Humanity: Accepting that mistakes and personal setbacks are inevitable and part of being human.  

• Mindfulness: Having a non-judgmental balanced approach to your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors; Not getting so attached to how things play out (either positive or negative). 

Positive Effects of Compassionate Self-Talk: 

• Higher self-confidence

• A more realistic and flexible approach to goals

• More incremental and longer-term successes

• More understanding towards self and others

• Increases positive emotions such as joy, pride, happiness, optimism 

• Positive connections with others

Examples of Changing Negative Self Talk to Compassionate Self Talk:

Instead of: “It doesn’t matter how many times I tell myself I’m going to do something, eventually I give up.”

Try This!

• I can let go of past attempts and past mistakes. Everyone struggles with trying new things sometimes. 

• How can I think about this situation/goal differently so I can set myself up for success next time? 

• It’s okay. Let me try again. [Seems so simple, right? But simply giving yourself permission and for yourself can go a long way!]

Instead of: “I’m so lazy”

Try This!

• I had a lot on my plate today. It makes sense I couldn’t get to some of these things today. 

• I am going to re-set more realistic expectations for myself. 

• What do I need to have more energy to get something done?

You Can Begin Today: Small Shifts Lead to Big Changes

But Yesel, what if I don’t really believe this? It feels weird to say these things about myself… 

I often get this question as a form of pushback. Here’s what I say:

Yeah. It is going to be weird! It’s going to be weird until it’s not. But you’ll only get there (where it feels less weird and maybe even a new kind of normal) by practicing it. 

If you’re so used to being hard on yourself or talking to yourself in some kind of way, then changing that will feel unnatural.

So, taking it one day at a time, one statement at a time, one small shift a time will build on itself the more you do it. 

Resources:

Please check out some of these great resources that elaborate more on this concept of shifting our self-talk and self-compassion: 

Happiness Lab Podcast Episode with Laurie Santos: Dump Your Inner Drill Sergeant (Interview with Dr. Kristin Neff): https://open.spotify.com/episode/3UDRcpNkZsLQeRmAIFEITX?si=fl-5CHHRSiGKS3-6Kz1VZw

How To!: How To Stop Procrastinating: https://open.spotify.com/episode/6n51BAaYkRp2ZccXezzgYt?si=dDHGnaXCTbKuuiTVpkPRTQ

Self Compassion.org Dr. Kristin Neff: https://self-compassion.org/

The Transformative Effects of Mindful Self Compassion (Drs. Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer): https://www.mindful.org/the-transformative-effects-of-mindful-self-compassion/