Are you tired of being so hard on yourself?
Is your anxiety getting out of control?
Are you always thinking about what you “could do” or “should do”?
Are you afraid of making mistakes and does it get in the way of trying new things?
Do you compare yourself to others and not feel like you’re good enough?
Is it hard for you to let go of control of situations?
Do you often second guess yourself making it hard to make decisions?
You may be someone who values achievement and success. Your go get ‘em attitude and dedication to achieving great outcomes has gotten you far.
People may often consider you to be “on top of everything”, a leader, and super dependable, but inside you feel exhausted and tired of keeping up. People don’t know that you are constantly doubting yourself and you’re afraid you’re not good enough.
Are you ready to learn how to stop feeling stressed all of the time and learn how to stop getting in your own way?
New York City is the breeding ground for high achievers, Type A’s, and surprise surprise, ...stressed-out folk.
Whether you have been living in New York City for years or just settled in, it doesn’t take long before you’re walking and talking at a more rapid speed and your thoughts start racing too. It’s tempting to try and keep up, but you may be starting to realize that comes at a cost. What happened to your “quality of life”?
You can find it hard to relax and acknowledge any achievements you’ve made. It may feel like there is always something else you could do better or differently. When your boss praises you for a task well done, your eye tends to travel towards the details you tell yourself can be changed next time. You may second guess yourself a lot and wonder if the choices you’re making are “good enough.” And if it’s not good enough then it might as well be a failure, right?
This type of all-or-nothing thinking can be quite limiting and it may make it harder for you to take any type of action. You may be a risk-averse person so you’d rather stick with what you know than make a mistake trying something new.
Perfectionism is often praised and reinforced by our environments, especially in the workplace. Your attempts to do everything perfectly may be seen as you being “detail-oriented” or “conscientious.” It’s not that you’re not those things, but there’s a toll that it takes on you when you’re constantly striving to do better, do more, do it all, without stopping to give yourself credit.
Our fast-paced, goal-oriented society sends messages like working harder, faster, and more hours will be the sure-fire way to success and happiness. However, I will be Captain Obvious and state that this is a) Not true, b) A Sure-fire path to emotional and physical exhaustion, procrastination, and burn out.
Burn out can make us irritable, less patient with others and ourselves, physically tired and more prone to illness, and less productive. So, ironically, by pushing yourself to always do everything well and do it all can undercut your abilities to show up at your optimal level of performance. Performance in your job, your important relationships, and other areas of your life may start to suffer when you’re running on fumes.
If you’re finding yourself procrastinating, feeling stressed and anxious all of the time, or are highly critical of yourself, you may feel it’s time to recalibrate your inner barometer of success.
Therapy can teach you how to tame the inner critic and transform it into a positive motivating force.
Perfectionists tend to describe that they’re constantly overthinking things and at times, their own mind may feel like their worst enemy. In therapy, you can learn how to create some distance between your habitual thoughts and your knee-jerk reactions.
The constant barrage of thoughts from self-doubt, fear, to self-criticism, can be tamed through mindfulness-based skills, shifts in mindset and a healthy dose of self compassion. It is hard to operate at your maximum capacity when you’re stressed all of the time. In therapy, we will work on building your self-awareness in both body and mind and building your confidence and internal motivation. Having more confidence and internal motivation can help you break through barriers that are often put up by fear and anxiety.
Fear shows up in lots of “flavors”. For example, fear of failure can stop you from trying new things or from taking action in your life. Fear of regret can make decision-making a nightmare. Making decisions can be paralyzing because you’re afraid you’re not going to make the perfect, the right, the best choice. You don’t want to let anyone down because you’re afraid it’ll be your fault if something goes wrong. That’s a lot of responsibility to take on for something that has a lot more factors associated with them.
Often, perfectionism prevents you from “seeing the forest for the trees.” Therapy can help you step back and get a big picture look at what is or isn’t your responsibility and how to take accountability for what is within your realm of responsibility and to let go of what is not. Decision making will start to become less daunting when we get a better hold on what is truly important to you versus getting caught up on what “should” be or what “could” be.
“Comparison is the thief of joy”
Theodore Roosevelt
Self Compassion
It’s a big hit to our hearts and minds when we’re constantly telling ourselves we’re “not good enough” and we compare ourselves to others who we automatically judged as better than we are.
Self-compassion practices can mitigate that damage, and you can morph your relationship to yourself in a more positive accepting way.
Imagine that, rather than being a bully to yourself, you can actually become your best fan?
Perfectionism and Procrastination
When you’re so set on being “perfect” (spoiler alert: it doesn’t exist), the thought of making mistakes and not achieving your highest standards can become debilitating. You can become paralyzed with fear and it ends up working against you.
In therapy, we will work on breaking down these standards and goals and transform them into realistic and achievable ones.
While you may have been taught to keep white-knuckling through difficulties, if at any point you’ve found yourself stuck and unable to move forward in an area of your life, it’s a good indicator that your typical go-to methods have run their course and it’s time to bid them adieu, don’t you think?
Stress and Anxiety
The health of your mind and body is a reflection of what you’re putting inside your mind and body. If your mind is filled with thoughts like the worst case scenario, fear of judgment, and self criticism, you’re bound to feel stressed and anxious.
We will work on reframing the way you talk to yourself using mindfulness techniques to calm your nervous system and re-discovering your values: the qualities of your life that are meaningful outside of results and other’s approval.
You may still have some questions or concerns about perfectionism and therapy…
If I practice self compassion and self acceptance doesn’t that mean I’ll just become lazy?
Bear with me, I know “self compassion” might bring up goosebumps and this weird fuzzy feeling in your stomach (and not in a good way).
But let me ask you this: How is your lack of kindness working for you? How it being super critical all of the time helping you move forward in your life?
Hint: It’s Not.
Think about the power of a supportive mentor or coach who has been able to motivate you. Think about how you would support a friend or loved one who is stuck and struggling? That’s what we’re learning to instill for yourself. You will notice how much more productive, creative and less stressed you become in the process.
I’ve always been Type A and you’re asking me to let go of control? Forget about it!
Asking to let go of control for a perfectionist can feel like asking them to stop being themselves. Letting go is not a sign of weakness. Instead, it’s allowing yourself to try something different because what you’ve been doing so far has only contributed to your stuckness.
The power of letting go and practicing acceptance is a bit counterintuitive. When you can be-friend that inner critic and make it work WITH you instead of AGAINST you, you unlock the potential to move forward.
How long will it take for me to stop procrastinating and feel better about myself?
These mind habits of perfectionism, high standards, and need for control have been ingrained and heavily reinforced by outside standards. This means it will take work, new habit building, and feeling outside your comfort zone for a period of time. I ask for patience and openness to be challenged, and the results will come in both subtle and surprising ways.
