Can you think of a time when you felt too anxious about taking a risk and were afraid of not succeeding?
Do you often fear not being “good enough”? Or things not being perfect?
Maybe you’ve had these thoughts:
Who am I to try and do this?
What if I fail?
Where do I even begin?
Other people are so much better at this than me.
Whether it’s the voice in your head telling you all the reasons why you are better off not trying, or it’s the voice of discouragement from others, these voices feed the fear of trying. And the fear of trying keeps you stuck doing nothing.
And this may be very disappointing.
Let me tell you how I experience fear too
I’ve always wanted to write regularly in a blog that could be shared with the public. In fact, I blogged back when Livejournal and Xanga were a thing (I’m totally dating myself).
I am an avid writer with my stack of completed journals (#bulletjournals) growing over time on my bookshelf. These journals are chock full of accounts of my time, completed goals, uncompleted tasks, visions for the future, and detailed records of the inner ruminations of my mind.
Fast forward to now with at least 3-4 years having passed since my desire to write a blog began.
What took so long to get started?
I am not immune to experiencing doubts and fears that stall me from making the first move towards starting something new. In terms of this blog, I went so far as to say to myself, “There are too many blogs on the internet so mine won’t make a difference.” Or here’s a good one:
“People don’t read anymore.”
Truly, I’ve actually had that thought occur to me multiple times as a reason not to begin writing.
I was afraid of trying something new that wouldn’t meet a certain high level of expectation or standard I built up in my head.
While neither of those thoughts were true, the fear embedded within those thoughts was enough to keep me stalled and blog-less.
This is one of the classic signs of what you may know of by the lovely name of: perfectionism.
Perfectionism is a powerful force but not rooted in facts.
Perfectionism: refusal to accept any standard short of perfection (Lexico.com)
Perfectionism can rear its head in subtle ways but have powerful detrimental effects.
Perfectionism can show up disguised as this annoying little (or loud depending on the day) voice that nags at you.
You can’t do that
That’s not good enough.
Just stop what you’re doing and don’t show anyone you even tried.
But what happens when you hear those voices of perfectionism and listen to them?
You do nothing.
You back-pedal.
You stall out.
You continue to play it “safe.”
And safe is really just stuckness disguised.
However if you actually stop to examine and play a little detective with these perfectionistic thoughts, you will notice a theme.
These thoughts aren’t based in logic or fact.
They’re rooted in emotions. Most likely the emotion you feel most often when it comes to trying something new or unknown is fear.
Fear and perfectionism can hold a lot of power over our lives in ways we really don’t like. We feel anxious, we feel scared, we don’t try new things and compare ourselves to others who are seemingly faring better than us.
How can you get un-stuck from the trap of listening to these fear-based thoughts?
First, it can help to understand how and why perfectionism became so powerful despite being rational or “true”.
Where does perfectionism come from?
Perfectionism is a habit just like many others we have built that has been developed over time.
Perfectionism may have begun merely as you trying to “do your best” at most things, most of the time. It’s something you most likely aspired to do for years as a product of school, work, family expectations, and social standards.
This is not something you just picked up off the street a month ago and thought “hey this perfectionism thing looks fun.”
So take yourself off the hook and remember you are like many others who have unknowingly bred this habit of perfectionism.
When we listen to the voice of perfectionism, we are acting based on the first thought that pops into your mind.
When we listen to the voice of perfectionism, we are acting based on the first thought that pops into your mind. You become accustomed to listening to the first fear-based thought that comes into your mind and you don’t really think to question it. It becomes automatic and unquestioned.
That first automatic thought is usually along the lines of “You can’t do that”, “That’s not good enough” “[Insert mean thought of your choice]”.
Despite it being mean and annoying, perfectionism is ironically trying to protect you and keep you back from some type of bad outcome.
In the short term, it might be helpful, but in the long term, you’re again left not having tried, not knowing what could be, and less fulfilled of your potential.
The first thought of perfectionism is not fact.
What is fact is that you have a choice to respond back to that first thought with your second thought. And this time, your response can be a rational one, a compassionate one, one that isn’t just bullying you.
How to break the habit of perfectionism and respond with more compassion
To further illustrate this point of breaking the first perfectionism thought habit, imagine this scenario:
You’ve been wanting to get closer to your co-workers who seem like cool people. You’ve spoken to them almost everyday at work, some small talk here and there, for the last few months. It’s Friday morning and you don’t have plans after work. You see one of your co-workers, Cate, in the lounge at work. You consider asking her to go out for drinks after work...
Enter first round of greatest hits of perfectionistic thoughts:
Don’t ask her that. You’re so awkward. Cate doesn’t want to hang out with you. Cate has too many friends already.
Pause. You have a choice. You can:
Listen to the first Perfectionism thoughts, grab a coffee from the lounge, wave to Cate, go back to your desk and not have drinks with anyone after work (even though, again, you want to). You make zero progress towards building closer friendships with people at work and this stinks. -OR-
Respond to first Perfectionism thoughts with second Compassionate thoughts
Hint: PICK PLAN B.
Let’s see what happens...
Cue Comeback of Compassionate thoughts:
I do feel nervous about asking Cate, but that doesn’t make me awkward. How do I know what she will say or how many friends she does or doesn’t have? I can ask to drinks and let her give me a real answer instead of assuming what she’ll say. For now, simply asking the question will be progress for me regardless of what her answer is.
See how that works?
It’s less important here whether or not Cate says yes or no to drinks. The point is that you took a first step of breaking the habit of perfectionism by responding to the Perfectionism thoughts with new Compassionate ones.
More importantly, you’ve now made progress towards potentially having a closer relationship with a co-worker. Now that Cate is aware you are interested in meeting outside of work, this may have opened up possibilities of future get-togethers. And now you know that you are capable of initiating an idea with a co-worker and it isn’t the end of the world. You actively worked towards disconfirming whatever Perfectionism thoughts told you all along.
Let’s give imaginary scenario self a round of applause and a celebratory drink!
Growth and progress come from the process, not the outcome.
The perfectionist is all about forgetting the process and purely focusing on the outcome. The perfect outcome.
But spoiler alert: Perfect doesn’t exist.
What exists is the process.
The process is the doing, the showing up. This is truly where the growth and change happens.
You make progress if you’re invested in the process. And fortunately for us, when you’re not striving for perfection, you can always try again and every try counts towards progress.
Conclusion
You are not responsible for the first thought that pops into your head, particularly one you know is from good ol’ Perfectionism. You are responsible for the second thought, the response you have to the first thought.
Perfectionism is a habit and you can break the habit by choosing to respond differently.
The process of doing and showing up and trying is what matters ten-fold compared to the outcome. Just start somewhere.
How does perfectionism rear its head in your life? How do you deal with it?
Leave a comment or question below.
If you struggle with how perfectionism keeps you in a cycle of stuckness and anxiety and you want to learn how to respond differently to these thoughts and feelings, therapy can be a rich opportunity to get support. In therapy, you can learn how to relate more compassionately and develop a new mindset and habits. Contact me to schedule a free phone consultation if you would like to learn more about therapy for perfectionism.