What do you do with the mad that you feel?: How to deal with difficult emotions
What do you do with the mad that you feel
When you feel so mad you could bite?
When the whole wide world seems oh, so wrong...
And nothing you do seems very right?
-Mr. Fred Rogers
Recent social and political events and the continued public health problems surrounding us have led to people feeling increasingly angry, sad, and hopeless. For some, it is hard to admit to feeling these difficult emotions. Anger and sadness are some of those difficult feelings that people either struggle to own when they feel it or to over-identify with it.
Do you have a hard time letting yourself feel certain emotions? Do you tend to categorize your feelings into “good” and “bad” feelings? If you’re like many people, your categories might look like this:
“Good” - Happy, Excited, Confident, Relaxed, Love, Successful, Motivated, Creative
“Bad” - Angry, Sad, Fearful, Jealous, Rage, Disgusted, Rejected, Depressed, Anxious
Letting yourself “feel the feelings” can be overwhelming. That’s why you may have figured out ways to push away your feelings and only feel the ones you think you “should” feel.
But is there really such a thing as a good or bad emotion? If there are bad ones, then why do we feel them so strongly? What are we supposed to do with those? Is it possible to feel them and not get completely sucked into a spiral of emotion? (and not look like this guy?)
To answer these common questions about feelings and difficult emotions, I have summoned the help of good ol’ Mr. Fred Rogers. I invite you to take a minute (1 minute and 36 seconds to be exact) to watch the following:
Isn’t it amazing how a children’s song can be packed with such simple-sounding yet profound wisdom and truth?
Today I’ll elaborate on Mr. Roger’s little diddy and discuss how to cope with the difficult emotions we all feel.
Some Common Myths About Your Emotions
Myth: Certain emotions are bad and should be stopped.
Truth: “Emotions are data, they are not directives” (Susan David)
In other words, our feelings and emotions provide us with helpful information about something we need and are not getting. Feelings provide important cues. But we don’t need to necessarily follow what a feeling says. Just because you feel so mad you could punch someone, you do not actually do it. It just could mean that you’re feeling like you were treated unfairly, that you were hurt and rejected, and that you are mad - rightly so! But you can choose to act wisely in response to that feeling.
Myth: I can’t feel every feeling whenever I feel it. I have to control them and push them away in order to move on with my life.
Truth: By ignoring or pushing away feelings, it can make the feelings worse, grow stronger, and develop into bigger problems.
In the short term, it can be necessary to distract yourself from a strong emotion especially if it doesn’t feel safe or appropriate to express it. But in the long term, if you keep ignoring your feelings, they will still come out.
I like to think of a feeling like a beach ball in a swimming pool. Have you ever tried to push a beach ball down under water? You may have tried this and noticed the harder you push it down, the stronger it will pop right back up (and probably hit you or someone else in the face!). Pushing down feelings is like that. You might try really hard to push the feeling “under the surface” or “stuff them” but eventually, it’ll pop back up stronger and potentially in a more destructive way.
Myth: If I let myself feel something, the feeling will get out of control and it won’t stop.
Truth: You can tame your feelings but only after you have named it.
No one said it better than, yes, again, Mr. Fred Rogers:
“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary.”
When we turn towards the feelings that are difficult, we are less likely to give into them, be paralyzed by them, or feel completely consumed by them. It seems counterintuitive, right?
So, what does “turning towards” a difficult feeling look like?
Three Tips On How To Cope with Difficult Feelings: How to Tame a Feeling
Tip 1: “Hi, friend” - Treat it like a visitor
The next time you notice a feeling come up and you start to have certain thoughts about the feeling, imagine it like it’s a visitor. Or imagine that it is some external object separate from you. This helps create some distance between you and the feeling or thought.
Tip 2: Just notice it with a curious and neutral attitude
Now that you’ve created some distance from the feeling, just observe and notice the feeling like you’re watching it from a window. Adopt an attitude of curiosity and neutrality. Avoid as much judgment as possible both positive or negative.
“Hmm, interesting. There is that feeling X. What might it be telling me?”
Tip 3: Add the following phrase in front of the feeling or thought: “I’m having the thought that …”
Putting that phrase helps you describe it as a separate thought or feeling.
Instead of: “I am sad”, shift to “I am having the feeling of sadness” or “I am having the thought that I am alone” (if that’s the thought linked with the feeling).
Do you notice a difference? Rather than becoming one with the feeling, you are again creating some separation.
Tip 4: What is the feeling telling you?
Ask yourself: If this feeling could talk, what would it say to me right now?
I know that sounds a little strange and hokey. But after you’ve gone so far as to create some separation from the feeling and notice it, you want to dig a little deeper and get a sense of what it’s telling you. Because like I mentioned, feelings/emotions are data. There is some important information we can glean from our experience of the emotion and what we need.
Which leads me to the last point, What do you need?
Attend to your emotional needs
Do you need…
Some time and physical space to allow the feeling to pass?
Try stepping outside or taking some deep slow in- and out-breaths from wherever you’re currently sitting.
A hug or physical comfort?
Either ask someone you trust for a hug, or put your hand on your heart or wherever will be comforting to you.
To be close to someone/something else right now?
Sit with someone (either in person or virtually) and don’t even worry about needing to talk if that feels like too much right now. Curl up with a pet.
To get out the pent up energy from your feelings?
Go for a run, punch a punching bag or pillow, let out a scream (hopefully not in public), dance it off, or do a bunch of jumping jacks.
To hear something kind?
Say phrases to yourself that someone who loves you would say to you. For example, “You are enough just as you are. You are allowed to have these feelings right now. This will pass.”
Your Feelings are Manageable and Mentionable
Hopefully now you know that you can do something when you feel whatever feelings come up. You can handle whatever it is that you are feeling. It will take some practice and maybe some help with certain feelings and that’s okay.
To close, I’ll end with the final part of Mr. Roger’s song: “What do you do with the mad that you feel?”
“And what a good feeling to feel like this
And know that the feeling is really mine.
Know that there's something deep inside
That helps us become what we can.” (Mr. Fred Rogers)
When you’ve learned how to both accept and manage your emotions, you may notice that life actually feels richer because you’re finally allowing the full range of emotions we as human are meant to feel.
It will help you “become what you can” ...