I just got back from a week long vacation in New Orleans, Louisiana (highly recommend visiting this amazing city!). It was a much needed trip with my partner to get a change of scenery and pace. While I was there, I realized that my appreciation for the whole concept of vacation and relaxing has evolved quite a bit. Even a year ago, I may not have been able to embrace this last week’s trip as I did this time around. Let me explain.
My relationship with relaxing: “It’s Complicated”
Vacations are generally meant to be a time of recuperation and relaxation. Maybe for you it’s a chance for catching up on things you haven’t been able to do because of your never-ending to-do list. Vacations can be an opportunity to throw your to-do list out and say, “Screw it. Let’s live a little!”
But if you’re a high-achieving, perfectionistic, career-oriented person who is so used to taking care of other people, working all of the time, and prioritizes being productive, you may know that vacations and relaxation time don’t come very naturally. These periods of downtime may not necessarily feel very comfortable.
The practice of relaxation and leisure remained a bit of a foreign concept to me for a long time. Growing up, I often spent my summer vacations needing to adhere to a daily schedule. Often that included completing pages from academic workbooks that my mom bought us so we stayed on top of work even while we were on summer vacation. The idea of completely unstructured time just wasn’t something I was privy to starting at a young age.
What I since carried with me into my adult life was this pervasive sense of unease when I was left with open unstructured time. Days off, vacations and holidays made me feel like my daily routine was disrupted and my carefully crafted schedule was no longer in place. I was often left with some version of this thought lingering in the back of my mind:
I should be doing something productive with my time…
The “should” thoughts came up fast and furious during these periods of unstructured time. I’d feel like I was doing something wrong if I wasn’t accounting for every minute of my day.
Something felt off. Shouldn’t I be productive? Shouldn’t I be accomplishing something?
Does any of this sound familiar?
The dangers of trying to stay busy all of the time
If this at all resonates for you, you know how exhausting it can be. It’s like the worst of both worlds. Not only do you get exhausted from having to work all the time, now when you’re “supposed” to be relaxing, you’re just worrying about work or what else you should be doing! What kind of relaxation or mental break do you really get?
The danger of not being able to knock off that habitual thought or impulse to be productive all of the time is that you don’t allow downtime to relax, de-stress, and come down from a perpetual state of mental and emotional stress or work. Over time your mind and body will become fatigued and you may be on the fast track to experiencing burnout.
Breaking old habits…
The good news is that all of this is just another mental habit that started off as something that was helpful but went unchecked for way too long. This habit was (and may still be) helpful one point in time. But what can happen is these unchecked mental habits become way too rigid and take away from your ability to fully experience life and breathe (both metaphorically and literally).
What do I mean by “Mental Habits”?
By definition, habits are behaviors we engage in that become automatic or can be done with very little effort. This happens because we practice them over and over again. When I refer to “mental habit”, I’m just referring to the thoughts you habitually think. The thoughts that pop up over and over again and you get so used to hearing and listening to.
Just like any new habit can be formed, old habits can be changed into something different and more appropriate for a particular situation.
“The first step to changing anything is to be aware of it.”
If you’re reading this, you’re most likely very aware of the fact that you’ve been operating under certain habitual thoughts about staying busy and needing to be on the go all of the time. This mental habit of “I should be productive all of the time” isn’t serving you and you want to transform it into something healthier.
Steps to breaking an unhelpful mental habit:
Identify the thought.
Self-awareness is powerful. Being able to notice when a thought pops into your head is the first step towards managing it. At first you’ll be surprised by how often you’re having the “I should be productive” thought. It’s okay! Remember, it’s because it has become so automatic. You don’t even have to try to have that thought.
Don’t judge the thought.
So that being said, whenever you notice a “I should...” thought pops up or you feel the pang of guilt for not being productive, don’t beat yourself up over it. Don’t judge it. Remember, it’s completely understandable given how it became such a habit.
Stop after the old thought and don’t do the same old thing.
Now that you’ve noticed it, what is usually your go-to impulse after you have a certain “I should…” thought? For example, after you think, “I should be productive right now” thought, maybe you get antsy and start trying to find something to do, you start scrolling your phone, or you start mentally creating a new to-do list. Wait a minute: Don’t immediately act on the thought or try to make it go away. This is the magic moment when you have to practice something different and replace it with a new behavior to create a new habit. Try this instead...
Respond Differently. Ask yourself these important questions:
“What do I really need right now?”
“What would be more helpful for me at this present moment instead of acting out of this knee-jerk habit of constantly doing?”
Let the answers to these questions inform your next set of actions.
Maybe you decide, “Right now, I need to get away from the temptation to work. I need to get out of the house so I don’t give into the impulse to turn on my computer and keep working.”
Or “I feel like I should do something productive, but instead, I’m going to let myself watch something on Netflix for an hour instead of thinking about what else I should be doing.” Or “I’ll go talk to a friend so I can get out of my own head for a while,”
Or “I’ll take 10 deep breaths in and out”
Conclusion
Photo by Thaynara Souza on Unsplash
So as I said at the start of this post, I actually had a different experience during this recent vacation in New Orleans. While, say a year ago, I would’ve had a really hard time letting myself take in the change of pace and routine, I truly had a great experience. I was able to do this because I have worked hard in rebuilding this mental habit around productivity. I knew that I couldn’t afford to keep the old habits unless I wanted to remain in a perpetual burnout place. It wasn’t easy but through things like mindfulness meditation, reading about the benefits of letting go and being with my thoughts, and practicing mini-breaks from work throughout my week for the last year, I was able to be in a much healthier place. And it made for an awesome vacation. :)
You can feel this way too over time too. It just takes a different kind of work. Not work-work but “recovery-work” from old habits. You always have an opportunity to try something different and start developing a new habit. A new helpful habit that allows more relaxation and ease into your life. You can build up this new habit that lets you actually take advantage of downtime.
It takes time and effort to build these new habits of mind so remember to be patient.
I want to hear from you!
How do you cope with these feelings of guilt and the “should-be-doing-something-else-productive” thoughts? How do you relax and take time to yourself?