Remember that at the end of last week’s blog, “You're Giving Up On Your Goal Too Soon”, on how to set realistic goals, I brought up the importance of tackling the barriers that get in the way of succeeding on our goals?
One of the biggest barriers that people often struggle with is their inability to say no.
Myth: Saying “No” is Bad
Truth: Saying no means saying Yes to your most important priority.
Do You Struggle to Say No?
Take a moment and imagine if one of your friends or colleagues asked you for a favor. How likely are you to say “yes” to their request? Does the thought of saying no feel a little bad, perhaps a little wrong?
Most of us have some degree of people-pleasing within us. We like to build good relationships, we like to make people happy, and we like to be liked, right? We liked to be needed.
For those of you who feel like you identify quite strongly with this people-pleasing part of you, saying “no” to someone else’s request may feel like a big no-no.
What You Need To Know About the Power of Saying No
Not everything matters equally.
“Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least”
We want to say yes to a lot of things because we’re tempted to take it on and to please others.
We also want to avoid the anxiety or discomfort we feel when we think we’re not making someone happy and doing the “right thing” by saying yes.
But we may not realize that by saying yes to everything means you also say no to a lot.
What are you sacrificing because you’re too afraid to say no?
How does this tie back to our productivity? How is this related to reaching our goals?
When you are able to start saying no to certain things, you are starting to make room for things that are hopefully more valuable and meaningful to you and your goals.
In other words, you are saying YES to the things that really matter.
But Yesel, pleasing people really matters to me too!
A common frustration I hear about is that scenario at work when you’re being pulled in multiple directions.
You’re chipping away at a priority task and you need to make sure this gets done so you can reach your goal at work of submitting this assignment. More importantly, the sooner you get this assignment done, the sooner you can head home to spend time with your family. But then your boss comes by and asks the dreaded question: “Do you have a minute?”
Internally: “No, I really don’t. I want to finish this assignment. I want to get home. Please go away.”
Out loud: Sure! *Cue over-eager smile*
By saying yes to this request for your time, you have now moved further from your goals. I can imagine you feel overwhelmed and maybe even a little resentful.
So how can you prevent this from happening?
Read on for tips on how you can learn to say no and maintain your important relationships.
Five Ways to Say No and Still Keep Your Friends/Boss/Family Close
Remind yourself of why you’re saying no.
You’re saying no because you’re saying yes to someone or something else. Establish your baseline “why”.
How you say it counts
Be assertive and practice speaking with confidence. Be straight forward. Being “wishy-washy” with a no can do more harm than good. Be mindful of your body language (Examples: eye contact, tone of voice, facial expression).
Offer an alternative.
Deferring to another person and another time frame are all effective ways of saying no without leaving people in a lurch. You can say “not now” and offer an alternative time when you may be able to attend to them.
You’re not rejecting the person, just the request.
Remember that your gut-reaction twinge of guilt is a story you’ve told yourself for a long time that “no” is bad. Make it clear in the way you say no that it’s not a judgment of the person. You’re simply saying no to the request at hand. You respect the person. You simply do not want to or cannot give into the wish or request at this time.
Pause.
Take a minute to respond. We feel the need to respond immediately to everyone nowadays. This sets us up for making unintentional choices that aren’t driven by real meaning or purpose.
Overcoming Short term pain for long term benefits
I understand how hard this can be particularly for those of us who are people-pleasers and value making others happy. But this is a challenge worth taking in the short term because you gain so much more in the long term by learning to set limits and say no at the appropriate times.
This is a practice in overcoming and tolerating the short-term discomfort of saying no for the long-term gains of a greater sense of personal freedom, greater achievement of our important goals, and sustaining healthy relationships.
Did you know that by learning to say no, you are setting an example for others about self care? Your practice of setting limits and setting boundaries through saying no is bringing you one step closer to you becoming the type of person who can assert your own needs for the service of a greater purpose.
Next week, we’ll talk more about how “self-care” and taking care of your own needs is critical to making strides towards your goals.
Conclusion
You can go from feeling overwhelmed and over-extended to feeling confident and clear on your priorities. You can be more productive when you get rid of the barrier of saying yes to everything.
Remember: Saying yes to everyone is the same as saying yes to nothing.
Imagine that you can say no effectively and still maintain your close relationships. Review the five tips on how to do so.
Ask yourself this clarifying question the next time you struggle with the decision to say yes or no to a request:
“What am I sacrificing because I’m too afraid to say no?”
Sneak Peak of What’s to Come:
Myth 1 - Multitasking will get more things done faster
Myth 2 - My goal is too hard so I better quit while the going is good.
Myth 3 - Saying no is bad
Myth 4 - Self care can wait.
Myth 5 - I can do everything by myself
In the meantime…
Do you struggle to say no? What is one takeaway you learned today that might challenge your fear of saying no?
Leave a comment or a question below!
I want to help you learn how to set boundaries and make strides towards your important goals. If you need help talking though some of your questions about how to be the type of person who can say no effectively and still feel like a good person, contact me and schedule a phone consultation today. I love helping people sort through these important and challenging topics!
Want more? Read this quick and interesting blog article “on saying no” by Seth Godin.